


One Does not Prank a Haruno (import from ff.net)

by moor



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Fun, Humour, Non-Massacre AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 16:09:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17165078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moor/pseuds/moor
Summary: Naruto-verse & AU. Non-massacre. OOC. An Uchiha should not prank a Haruno.





	1. Chapter 1

Title:  **One does not prank a Haruno**  
Category: Anime/Manga » Naruto  
Author: moor  
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T  
Genre: Humor/General  
Published: 04-25-13, Updated: 04-25-13  
Chapters: 1, Words: 1,615

* * *

**Chapter 1: Chapter 1**

* * *

AN: Naruto-verse & AU. Non-massacre. OOC.

* * *

From his 'reading spot'—because he certainly wasn't 'people watching', oh no, never—atop the roof of the low-rise building, Kakashi, one of Konoha's finest shinobi happened to overhear—what with somehow being in the right place at the right time—a certain subordinate and his teammate declaring a blood feud on that teammate's family member.

* * *

"We did not fail the mission, we were late because we ran into some missing-nin on the way back and had to—."

"Pssht, sounds like failure to me if you don't take into consideration potential hazards on the job," interrupted Shisui, clad in full ANBU regalia. He and Team Seven were already long acquainted. He never passed up the opportunity to rattle Sasuke, Naruto or Sakura's cage. "You were crossing through Rock—what, did you forget that they turned down the Hokage's last invitation to tea?"

"Like you've never been back late from a mission and had to explain yourself to the Hokage—," started Naruto, only to have Shisui flip his hand palm-up in the blond's face.

"No."

"Liar," spat Sasuke.

Shisui smiled serenely down at his young cousin.

Sasuke scowled in return.

ANBU senses tingling, the older Uchiha spotted a sleek pink ponytail making its way closer in the crowd, and his dark eyes flashed when he realized the potential to ridicule his little cousin further in front of his team. Shisui's smooth voice picked up and suddenly carried much further, and Sasuke's eyes flashed red in anger.

"Your mother was quite distressed, Sasuke. Really, you shouldn't worry Auntie so much. She nearly called the Hokage and asked if she could send Itachi out to collect you—."

"Why you!" Naruto's nostrils flared in indignation and he raised his fists.

But Naruto never got a chance to rush Shisui—since Sasuke's brooding could get annoying, but nowhere near as annoying as Shisui was—because the next moment, the ANBU member had dropped unceremoniously to the ground at their feet in a lifeless heap.

Naruto and Sasuke spun around before relaxing.

"Seriously, Sakura, your clones are starting to freak me out with how quietly they can move," remarked Naruto as he nudged Shisui's prone body with his sandaled toe.

The calm young woman shrugged her shoulders as she dusted her hands off, her clone disappearing with a pop; with minimal effort, she slung Shisui's unconscious body over her shoulder.

"So, I hear ANBU have sparring practice this evening on their private training grounds," she said cheerfully.

Far too cheerfully, her two 'brothers' thought to themselves as they nodded at her words.

"Dobe, do you still have that chakra-resistant wire?"

"Yeah."

"Is that wonderful, giant tree still featured prominently at the entrance to the ANBU training grounds?" chirped Sakura.

Naruto paled.

"We can't sneak into the ANBU grounds," he shook his head. "Even I think that's—."

"Perfect," said Sasuke.

Sakura nodded at Sasuke's acceptance.

"Good, let's swing by Naruto's and get the wire."

"Guys, come on, this is a bad—."

"Oh, so you don't want in on the year's biggest, best prank? On Uchiha Shisui, no less?"  
"He earned it, Dobe."

"In spades," added Sakura, glancing over her shoulder and peeking at the rooftops. "Let's get him out of sight before your brother finds us, Sasuke. He may not appreciate seeing his partner naked."

"He's not naked, though." Naruto followed the vengeful pair reluctantly.

"Not yet," snickered Sasuke and Sakura.

 _Oooooh._  Naruto had a bad feeling about this. Not the least of which had to do with Shisui regaining consciousness and thoroughly returning the favour they were about to pay him.

An ANBU getting owned by a few chuunin? Shisui would never live this down around ANBU HQ.

They were so dead for this one.

Sakura adjusted her cargo roughly to rebalance him. "So I think our chakra's good enough that we can hold a henge without arousing suspicion to get into the grounds, but we'll head over while the dinner break's on anyway."

"Fewer people will be around, plus they'll be hungry, not paying attention to us."  
"ANBU are still ANBU," insisted Naruto weakly, hoping to dissuade his obviously suicidal friends.

"On home turf, on their own training ground?" Sakura made a derisive sound in her throat.

Their voices drifted away down an alley, then over the rooftops as they leapt away towards Naruto's home, keeping to the darker, longer shadows cast by the late afternoon sun.

* * *

From the rooftop where he'd observed the entire encounter, hidden by an oversized air conditioning unit, Uchiha Itachi remained expressionless.

Mostly.

"So it appears she told Sasuke, but not Naruto, about catching Shisui peeping at her at the public baths," he remarked thoughtfully.

Kakashi wouldn't put money on it, but he was—wasn't—a people-watcher and he was sure he detected a trace of amusement in the Uchiha's tone.

"Shisui's getting off pretty lightly. He should be grateful," replied the Copy Nin. "And Naruto can be a bit of a wildcard—he may have tried to take Shisui out himself, on her behalf, or he may have asked which hidey hole." He shrugged, as it made no difference to him. He already knew which hidey hole it was, anyway.

Meanwhile, it hadn't passed either man's notice that Sakura had left two other clones in the vicinity, and one had been keeping an eye on the two of them the entire time, waiting to see if they'd interfere.  
Not raising his nose from his book, Kakashi raised a hand and lazily waved in its direction.

The clone's serious expression collapsed under a sunny, knowing smile and promptly waved back before disappearing again with a faint pop.

"The other is here to watch you," the silver-haired nin added helpfully.

"Hn."

* * *

"When that woman makes ANBU, I swear, she's getting the hazing of her miserable pink life!" seethed Shisui through his teeth as he heard another snicker behind him.

Of course, when he whirled to glare at the special-op who dared to laugh at him, there was no one there. There were special-ops for a reason.

Not reacting, Itachi walked alongside his colleague as they made their way through the halls of ANBU headquarters after practice.

"Hey Shisui, you ever gonna wear that mask again?" came a catcall from a meeting room.

Still holding the mask in its rather delicate place, Shisui growled and swore in the direction the voice had come from, and snapped he was more than happy to help them practice their fire-jutsu the next time they met on the training grounds.

The locker room finally appeared before them, and Itachi left his—still naked as a jaybird—cousin at the door.

"And next time," Shisui grit out to his younger cousin, "would it kill you to bring clothes with you? Or at least let me borrow yours. Stingy bastard."

"I am not interested in being on the receiving end of Haruno's vengeance," was all Itachi replied.  
"She would never have known!"

"She was still there."

"No she…" Shisui paled. "You're shitting me—."

"She took part in the entire practice, cousin."

When Itachi had noticed the extra attendees, he'd wondered, then had been sure. He had a feeling it had taken them longer than they'd expected to finish up their juvenile prank, so rather than draw attention to themselves by trying to sneak away when practice had begun they'd simply joined in. Being a captain and supervising the exercises that night, of course he'd noticed right away they weren't part of any of the usual teams—but no one had brought it to his attention (something he'd be taking up with the lot of them later, if they were that lax), so he'd let it play out to see what they would do.

In a way, he admitted he was somewhat impressed with their stamina and determination.

Yet now Shisui, the older of the two Uchiha paled further, remembering all the teasing he'd endured, and all the insults he'd hurled about her as he'd been strapped to the tree, skyclad, during the three hours of practice that night with nothing but a big pink bow and his own ANBU mask to hide his shame.

Because no one had cut him loose until after practice was over, of course.

Mostly due to the fact that no one would go near where she—because it could have been no one else but Haruno Sakura who'd looped such a flamboyant pink ribbon around the expert fastening—had tied the final knot that locked him in place.

…Such a sensitive place.

And much to Itachi's hidden amusement, Shisui still hadn't noticed that she had laced a piece of the same ribbon through Shisui's ponytail, at the back of his head.

"She should have taken it as a compliment when I—."

"The next time a  _Sannin_  recommends you avoid peeking at a specific kunoichi at the bathhouse, I recommend listening," broke in Itachi, tiring of his cousin's complaints. Mostly because he knew rumours were likely already circulating about himself and Shisui, after he'd been the only one to cut him loose. "Attentively."

Shisui glared at Itachi. "You were there, too."

"Ah, and I didn't get caught."

* * *

AN: Mandatory disclaimer: Don't do things like this, it's wrong. Also, I do not own Naruto.


	2. One Does not Prank a Haruno II: Shisui's Revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto-verse & AU. Non-massacre. OOC. An Uchiha should not attempt vengeance upon a Haruno. Rated M for themes, just to be cautious.

Title:  **One does not prank a Haruno II: Shisui's Revenge**  
Category: Anime/Manga » Naruto  
Author: moor  
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M  
Genre: Romance/Humor  
Published: 01-26-14, Updated: 01-26-14  
Chapters: 1, Words: 5,710

* * *

**Chapter 1: Chapter 1**

* * *

**One does not prank a Haruno II: Shisui's vengeance**

AN: By your popular request, a sequel—also Naruto belongs to its official rightsholders.

* * *

"Glutton for punishment, eh, Uchiha?"

"Vengeance, Inuzuka, vengeance. Retribution," clarified Shisui amidst the snickers of his colleagues as he pinned a plain piece of paper to the back of the men's locker room door. "And really, everyone should know the truth about how insignificant Sakura Haruno is."

"Ooooooh," guffawed some of the gathered men, though they crowded closer to see.

"This, men, is the Kunoichi Standing! From rank, skill, bedroom talent, beauty and of course, measurements, how each kunoichi measures up against her peers," declared Shisui.

"Based on who's definitions of 'beauty'?"

"Or bedroom talent?"

"Yeah, and skills can vary…" said another, scratching his stubbly chin.

"Pure coincidence that Sakura Haruno ranks near dead-last, then?" remarked one man, tracing his fingers down the names. "Like, she's down here below the academy genin."

"Her inner beauty is haggish and shows through, overshadowing any trace of outer beauty," declared Shisui, arms folded in front of him.

"Are her measurements really that small? I know she's petite, but I would have sworn she was bigger than a Triple-A cup—like, she binds pretty aggressively, from what Naruto's implied."

"And her skills should be better than 'utterly remedial'—she's the Godaime Hokage's apprentice and runs the hospital's emergency ward and assists on ANBU missions… Shisui, I really think you should either remove her from the list or reconsider her placement. This is… petty. And suicidal."

"Very suicidal."

"Hn." Came the deep voice of one of ANBU's most decorated captains—and Shisui's cousin.

Mouth gaping, Shisui turned on his 'best' friend. "Itachi! How can you side with them? I'm your cousin!"

Shaking his head once, Itachi approached with his towel tucked snugly around his lean, muscled hips, his long, raven hair still dripping onto the delicate necklace at his clavicle from the shower he'd left when he'd heard the commotion outside the stalls. It could only mean trouble.

His dark eyes glanced over the list while his lips remained sealed. The remaining shinobi looked the list over, commenting here or there with what they would have ranked certain kunoichi, before most wandered off to laugh or reminisce. Or place bets on how much longer Shisui had to live.

"You do remember the Hokage is aware of your previous attempts at peeking at Sakura, and specifically warned you against repeatedly antagonising her apprentice?"

"Itachi, she's a chuunin; she completely overstepped her boundaries—"

"When you didn't respect hers."

"—regardless, she sassed her superior—"

"Commanding officer, who was humiliating himself and his clan by lowering himself to peeping on his crush like a pervert."

"—I do not have a crush on her! She's barely human!"

"Which didn't stop you from sexually harassing her and trying to intimidate her into dating you; or you from stalking her when she rejected you."

"Who's side are you on?"

Itachi's eyes left the paper to meet his cousin's flashing ones, and just watched him. After a moment of uncomfortable silence, he blinked once before turning on his heel and returning to the showers.

"I'm collecting my things from the showers; if anyone is waiting for a stall, it will be available shortly."

"Thanks Taichou!"

Itachi nodded in the man's direction, then disappeared into his washing cubicle.

Jutting out his lower jaw, Shisui scowled after his cousin for a good minute before his kunoichi list drew his attention one last time.

"Heh," he smirked. Now everyone would be talking about her shortcomings. "See how she likes it."

* * *

"I can tell his parents," said Sasuke. "They would not suffer such shame by association."

Leaning on the counter at Ichiraku, Sakura waved her hand in the air and chewed her ramen.

"S'okay, Sasuke, really. Nobody pays any attention to things like that, it'll die down soon enough. It just proves he's too chicken to confront me face to face. It insults him more than me," she added, reaching for her teacup, which Sasuke had refilled.

"I can tell my parents, who can order my brother to dispose of him and the Hokage will exonerate us of wrongdoing under the circumstances."

Choking on her ramen, with laughter, Sakura leaned back on her stool while Naruto thumped her on her back from the other side.

"Itachi defending my honour? Sasuke, I'm touched!"

The blond shook his head. "How are you not bothered by this?"

"I have you two to rely on, I don't need anyone else," she said, wiping at the tears that had formed at the corners of her eyes. She grinned at him and leaned in to hug him from the side. "But thank you."

"Itachi wouldn't mind, really. He's good at that kind of thing."

"Yes, well, I'd certainly hope so, being an ANBU captain and all for the past decade," said Sakura, ruffling Naruto's hair and smiling at Sasuke. "But I'd like to keep Itachi out of this. I don't want to owe anyone any favours, and I can handle this on my own."

Sasuke's ears tweaked at that, but he continued eating his ramen while Sakura redirected Naruto's attention with a quick inquiry as to how Hinata was faring.

* * *

Sasuke lifted the kunai, spun it around his hand, and hurled it at the target.

Shisui had peeked at Sakura—after repeatedly harassing her—and Sakura had enacted revenge.

_Thunck._

Shisui had retaliated immaturely and Sakura had waved it off.

_Throw—thunck._

Itachi had let Sakura enact revenge, and then let the three of them participate in ANBU exercises, but had still helped Shisui extract himself from his punishment.

_Throw—thunck._

When Shisui had asked Itachi who's side he was on, there was no answer (according to the shinobi gossip train).

_Throw—thunck._

So, Sasuke reasoned, was Itachi simply staying out of the fray in an effort to remain neutral (and avoid the immaturity of the entire situation, and also the Hokage's and Sakura's inevitable retribution)?

He raised his arm, still thinking—then his hand tightened on the tip of the blade.

Or…

There was something hinting around the edge of his mind that he couldn't quite grasp.

"Hn."

_Throw—thunck._

He'd figure it out. This seemed too obvious to be the answer. His brother was never obvious.

_Throw—thunck._

—and that made Sasuke uneasy.

* * *

Giggles.

More giggles followed him.

Then there were the titters, and blushes, and  _whatwaswrongwitheveryone?_

_What the hell._

Sasuke cursed himself.

Outwardly he remained calm as he heard the titters following him through HQ as he made his way towards his team's 'office' of sorts. It was… a loose description for the glorified cubicle, but it was theirs and it was an indoor meeting place with access to a tea station for himself and Sakura, and a hot water dispenser for Naruto's ramen, and a sink for washing Sai's brushes, and whatever Kakashi or Yamato may need…

More giggling behind him—distinctly female.

 _Hadn't they overcome this urge when they were genin?_  He thought, taking a deeper breath.

"No, you ask him."

"No, you ask him."

"Come on. One of us has to, or we'll never know."

"This is totally stupid."

"So who's asking him again?"

Sasuke took another breath and decided against leaving his sparring bag on the desk. Rallying his flagging patience he went to meet Sakura at the hospital.

* * *

It was WORSE.

Sakura closed the door behind him with a quick glare at her subordinates.

"Sorry, they're normally not quite this chatty."

"What's got into them? It was happening outside our office, too."

Sakura's hands were occupied flipping through charts and files and random papers and post-it notes and—

"What is going on, Sakura?"

"I d'know."  _Flip. Flip. Flip._

"Yes, you do. What happened."

"Nothing."  _Flipflipflipflip._

"What did you do?"

"… nothing harmful to you."

Sasuke looked at her, face set.

"Specifically," she added as an afterthought.

His jaw tightened.

"But Shisui may have a hard time getting a date over the next few weeks. Months…. Possibly years, but really, that's more of an hopeful estimation than a real—"

"What. Did. You. Do." He ground out between his teeth. Then added, as an afterthought, "And why are all the kunoichi and nurses checking out my crotch."

"Ah… About that…"

Sasuke took a long, slow breath as Sakura sat back in her chair, tapping her folder against her chin, a calm aura emanating from her being as it ran smack dab into his chi of ragged irritation.

"Well, I'd like to frame this by insisting that everything I did was based on verifiable, measurable, incontrovertible evidence. Facts."

_Oh kami. She had the power of quantitative analysis and accounting on her side, this was never good._

"Sakura, I have not been this harassed since I was a genin."

"Mmm, yeah, sorry about that. Byproduct. Oh, is that sound your teeth grinding? That's not good for you. It'll give you tension headaches. Remember when we had that talk about you needing to take a step back from the frustration you feel when you're around Naruto for long periods of—"

"I will katon your office in three seconds if you don't—"

"There's a Most Eligible Shinobi list in every public ladies room in Konoha."

_Exhale. Exhale. Turn off your Sharingan—turn it off, now—_ _**now** _ _—and exhale._

"What criteria was used to determine the marketability of these shinobi? And why are people staring at my crotch?"

"Oh, you know, it was just a bit of fun between Ino, me, maybe Tenten. Tsunade. Anko—you know, I can ask the pharmacy to whip up a quick bite plate for you, that grinding sounds terrible."

"The list, Sakura. And my crotch."

"Well, see, it started off as a simple 'Hot or Not' list, and kind of devolved from there."

"Give me the list."

"… no."

"Give me the damn list."

"No."

"Fine."

Sasuke stormed out of the office, down the hall, passing through a clearly marked door, ignored the screaming women, then the wails of dismay as he tore something off the walls, before stomping back into Sakura's office.

"Is this the list?"

"Sugar fish."

"Right." Sasuke slammed her door shut, locking them in together, and proceeded to burn the list into his pinwheeling eyes as he sat stiffly in one of her waiting chairs.

When his hands clenched on the paper, causing it to rustle when he read his spot, Sakura was already at her kitchenette, drawing water. "Tea?"

"Please."

With a shrug of her shoulders, Sakura obliged.

* * *

"I can't believe the Hokage condoned this."

"She provided some of the ANBU's measurements, among other things."

"This is such a huge breach of privacy it isn't funny."

"Not enjoying the attention? Not liking that people are peeping at you? Harassing you in the street?"

Sakura smiled glibly at Sasuke, and he inhaled long and deep.

"I never did any of those things. To you or any other woman."

"No, you are in fact a gentleman behind that surly sulk—which is driving the ladies even wilder for you. You're the whole package. Including your package."

"You're getting a sick kick out of this."

"Just nice to see someone else in the same boat as me for a change. Look, I didn't mean for you to get caught up in this, Sasuke. I can remove you from the list, but it would make people ask questions as to why you were removed. Your choice."

Shoulders relaxing slightly, Sasuke shook his head. "It'll wash in time, like you said."

Biting her lip, Sakura's eyebrows dipped a smidge.

"Won't it?..." he asked.

"Income, Bingo Book Level, rank, hotness, health check, height, weight, and measurement. Women like details, Sasuke. They aren't likely to let go of this for a bit. Guys would see the kunoichi list, gab about it for a bit, and then forget when the next centrefold comes out. Women like to collect things, organize them, review them, analyze them, criticize them, and then, use that information for goal-setting."

Sasuke stared at Sakura.

"You never noticed how many women worked in the Torture & Interrogation department?"

"I changed my mind. I'm going to katon your office anyway."

Sakura's eyes widened as Sasuke's hands flew together.

"No, wait, I can fix this— _Sasuke!_ "

He completed the last seal. " _—Katon-no-jutsu._ "

* * *

Sasuke was, once again, facing the interior of the men's locker room door. He'd been visiting it daily since his cousin mounted his smear campaign against Sakura, to try and alleviate some of the damage. His efforts were in vain, but it made him feel like he was trying.

However, today he merely looked at it.

The list had changed.

The order was different. The kunoichis' dimensions were different. The skills were different. What had once been a man's revenge was now…

Sasuke considered the evidence carefully.

...Similar to Sakura's list, this was based on verifiable facts, he realized.

Sasuke's eyes stopped at Sakura's name, and widened.

— _including her dimensions._

Sasuke swallowed, considering the updated parchment.

Taking it down would send the message it was unbecoming behaviour and shouldn't be tolerated. But, likely, it would still go back up.

Leaving it up would make it seem like it was okay to publicly rank kunoichi like they were property, items, objects, at best potential marriage partners. Though compared to the original list Shisui had drafted, this new list was infinitely more objective and professional, similar to what he'd seen the clans prepare when they were evaluating prospective brides to court for their heirs.

Sasuke's hand paused as he reached for the paper; because someone had gone to the trouble of reviewing the entire list, and had even included some of the female ANBU (by mask only). And whoever it was, that someone had broken down Sakura's chunin stats from her covert-ops, ANBU assistance medic-nin role; however one had to but add the two together to realize that the addition of Sakura's ANBU-level skills to her current skills put her well over and above the other candidates.

And apparently they knew Sakura well enough, physically, to add her measurements. Inside his heart, Sasuke cringed uncomfortably, squirming at how the individual may have learned such intimate details about his best female friend.

In short, someone had taken Shisui's idea and used it against him to show how truly incredible Sakura Haruno was as a potential girlfriend or wife and kunoichi; and thus, how shallowly and superficially Shisui's original list (and opinion) were. The revised listmaker had elevated Sakura's status to near goddess-like levels and reduced Shisui's to that of a village idiot.

They had gone to a lot of trouble to do so, too.

Sasuke's brows drew together, puckering his forehead as his hand dropped to his side. This new list would stay up. For now.

Sasuke felt uneasiness creep through his guts as he considered who would have been intelligent, methodical, and objective enough to have pulled off the new list.

—And motivated enough to do it, too.

The short list of potential shinobi—and their motivations—that surfaced disturbed him.

* * *

Entering the still-smoking office, the tall, lean shinobi took in frazzled appearance of the kunoichi and the corner of his mouth twitched.

"One would think he'd know how to take a compliment by now," he remarked.

"Yeah, not so much. I even tried to list you both fairly equally, so he'd know he was in good company, but I think that went over his head."

He nodded, and held out a paper to her.

"The amended list?" She asked as she reached for it.

"Hn."

"Please tell me you didn't go overboard. I know Sasuke's been taking down the old ones, to try and limit the damage radius, but he may not be so generous anymore."

"He won't take this one down—but he may become… curious."

Sakura's tired, dark-rimmed eyes sagged. "What did you do?"

"Exactly what we discussed. Nothing more or less."

"You separated my ANBU skills from my regular service, right? I'm not officially ANBU yet, just the service medic. I shouldn't have let you add that. Damnit, it's going to make him suspicious either way. He'll figure out you wrote this, you know, and from there it won't take long until he figures out why."

"Ah, but think of how irritated he'll be in the meantime as he debates whether or not to approach either of us to ask us what is going on."

"You are an evil, manipulative man."

"Hn."

Sakura glared at him a moment before her shoulders sagged. "I don't suppose you would mind lending me a hand to finish cleaning up? Sasuke didn't take things well earlier."

"Of course."

* * *

Sitting on his bed in his bedroom, Sasuke ran a hand through his hair, his eyes dark and red-rimmed.

Shikamaru would have much of the information, but there was no way he'd take the initiative to do something like this, he reasoned.

Neji would leave it to his clan to do it, but he wouldn't post it publicly since he'd see it as giving the other clans an advantage in searching for preferable marriage partners to cozy up to.

Kakashi would have had the info, and probably more, but would have needed a strong motivator to produce something of his quality without a mission-related incentive.

Sasuke scratched his former sensei's name off the list. Nope. The Copy Nin may have written up notes for this, but he wouldn't have been arsed to make it look so professional.

A name niggled in the back of his mind, but Sasuke batted it away.

Jiraya? No, it would have been illustrated. Gratuitously.

_Niggle niggle niggle._

Gaara? Not in the village. And he knew the Hokage had been trying to dissuade him from courting Sakura, since she loved Sakura like a daughter and didn't want her to leave Konoha.

_Jump flail look-at-me-I'm-the-obvious-answer flail flail flail._

Not Shisui, obviously.

 _Did I do this in my sleep and forget about it,_  he wondered, half desperate as sweat beaded at his temples.

 _Oh for f— sake._ His inner self threw up its arms in defeat.

**_No._ **

His stomach lurched and he paled with sickening clarity.

_Please. Please, anyone but him._

"Sasuke, do you have a moment?"

Itachi tapped on his little brother's door and waited to be acknowledged.

Eyes widening and face ashen and lined, Sasuke's eyes met those of his brother.

"Hn. You know already."

"How long have you been sleeping with my team mate?"

For his part, Itachi did not even twitch. "Which one?"

"Itachi!" There was a sharp smack as Sakura stuck her head in the doorway and slapped Itachi, frowning at him knowingly. "Honestly, geez."

"I think I'm going to vomit." Sasuke went green around the gills.

"No you aren't," snapped Sakura, shaking her head and crossing her arms. "He's teasing you, Sasuke."

Her voice was a bit distant—she was probably glaring at his brother again. Sasuke felt the black around the edges of his vision receding again, thankfully.

"By the way, can I come in?" she asked belatedly, taking a seat on his bed.

"Make yourself at home," said Sasuke, his hands limp in his lap.

"Now you see what you've done? He's gone into shock," grumbled Sakura at Itachi.

Itachi folded his hands in his pockets and leaned against the doorway, unperturbed.

"Sasuke, we're not sleeping together."

A subtle cough from the doorway.

A not-so-subtle glare from the kunoichi.

"Oh kami, you're marrying my brother," realized Sasuke, swaying in his spot. He clamped his hands down on his thighs and squeezed hard.

"Nothing is finalized, and lots can change," growled Sakura—at Itachi.

After a second or two, Itachi made a sympathetic noise in his throat.

"That's why you couldn't defend her publicly, because others would question it. And why you didn't go after Itachi for peeking in at you in the bath." The details began falling into place in Sasuke's highly organized mind.

Sakura nodded.

Itachi stepped closer, and leaned against Sasuke's desk. "Unfortunately, it was supposed to be a co-ed bath so we could discuss a few things, but Shisui joined me after he followed Sakura. It was too late to extricate ourselves, so I made a bit of noise to warn Sakura we weren't alone."

"Which was when she destroyed the wall of the bath house where you were hiding, giving you both a chance to hide what you were really doing," said Sasuke with a nod. "Of course, it was obvious."

"No one would question why Sakura would lose her temper if someone like Shisui was peeking at her."

"Or think to look closer for evidence of anyone else there."

"... Effectively hiding in plain sight."

Sakura smiled loosely at him. "Could you imagine what the clans would have done if our rendez-vous had become public knowledge? Itachi's revised list isn't too far off the Official Clan Bride Survey, and I know I'm ranked higher than I'd like to be—in that way—on Konoha's Eligible Bride list, which puts me on the list for other villages who want to strike up political alliances with Konoha. We couldn't risk me, the Hokage's apprentice, being potentially sold off to another village. Shisui's list just brought attention to the Survey and the fact that I was still considered eligible."

Sasuke shivered at the cold aura seeping from his brother when Itachi added, "We couldn't allow that to happen."

Beside him, Sakura patted Sasuke's back and subtly rolled her eyes at his brother's possessive dramatics.

"Royal 'we'," she whispered to him.

"We are still negotiating," said Sakura, continuously rubbing Sasuke's back. "This isn't a sudden thing. It is more like a contract being drafted, really."

The coldness turned frigid, and Sasuke wondered if Sakura was deliberately taunting his brother.

Itachi's voice was soft as he murmured, "Shall we return to discussing a certain clause in the contract which stipulates the frequency of—"

"Vomiting now," said Sasuke, grabbing his trash bin.

Above his dry heaving frame, he knew Sakura was glaring daggers at a certain self-satisfied older brother.

"Stop teasing him, Itachi. He's seen me as a sister for years; seeing me as a woman is an adjustment for him." Sakura offered Sasuke a glass of water and a face cloth.

Itachi's eyebrow rose as he looked at Sasuke, and Sasuke had a feeling he was about to pay for everything he'd ever done to antagonize his older brother in return.

"So she doesn't know about your journal, little brother?" asked Itachi innocently.

"You are so dead," growled Sasuke, flushing.

"Is it going to be like this when I move in? Because I know medical jutsu to make you both behave, I swear to kami," exclaimed Sakura, throwing her hands in the air.

Sasuke paled while his brother's interest was blatantly piqued, his dark eyes darkening further in consideration.

"Really?" Itachi asked smoothly.

Sasuke broke in quickly before the conversation had a chance to devolve further. "Okay, so you're not having sex—yet—but are discussing a marriage union. Itachi is morbidly possessive, and you're treating this like a contract negotiation. I'm aware of what's going on now; is anyone else?"

"The Hokage and our parents."

"Mom knows? Dad knows!"

"Father is very… strongly supporting the union. Mother is more cautious, more concerned of the other clans and their political machinations and potential backlash, but is happy to welcome Sakura into the family. It took some time for her to come around to the fact that it would be as my wife instead of yours." If Sasuke hadn't known better, he would have sworn he heard a hint of a sulk in his brother's voice.

At that, Sasuke brightened a bit before pausing.

"Naruto doesn't know, then?" He turned to look at Sakura head on.

Sakura shook her head. "Not yet. We didn't want to say anything until we had finalized the details and were prepared with an official announcement. Shisui threw a monkey wrench in things."

"He always did have rotten timing."

"Among other things," muttered Sakura, brow arched.

Ah, right, the list Sakura had drafted, ranking Konoha's shinobi. Sasuke winced as he remembered a detail or two from his cousin's medical history. Not that those kinds of things didn't happen to many individuals who had loose sexual histories, but…  _ugh_. He cringed in distaste.

"Is… is this pretty much a done deal?"

Sakura's shoulders relaxed and she pulled Sasuke into a side hug. "We'll always be team mates, Sasuke. Believe me, it was the first order of business I brought to the table when we began negotiations. The clan cannot interfere in our team dynamics. You and Naruto are my family—now it'll just be a bit more official between the two of us. I see it as a bonus."

Reassured, Sasuke's shoulders relaxed and he leaned into Sakura to return the hug, ignoring his brother for a moment.

"What was the second 'order of business'?" he joked, somewhat interested.

"Er…" Sakura's cheeks heated, and he felt her gaze shift to his brother.

Who was smirking like the devil himself.

"Never mind," said Sasuke quickly, gleaning a fair idea.

"You okay?" asked Sakura a bit later, as she and Sasuke hung out together in his room. Itachi had left them to talk things over privately. With the door open.

Sasuke nodded, relieved some of the tightness in his chest had abated.

"You and my brother, huh?"

She nodded, shrugging. "So it seems."

His brows drew together, and he glanced at his doorway. His brother's chakra signature was further away, towards the kitchen.

"Are you okay with this? Really? It seems… like you're approaching this like a business transaction rather than a lifelong relationship. I thought you were the type to marry for love, Sakura."

He nudged her with his elbow, keeping his folded hands in his lap and his eyes on his interlaced fingers.

Beside him, Sakura sighed. "I admire him. He has treated me very well. We certainly respect each other."

Sasuke looked at his long-time friend. "Is that… everything? Enough?" Not that he wanted to twist the knife in his chest or make them both uncomfortable, but he didn't take Sakura for the gold-digger or fame-seeking type, or the type to settle. She always sought the best, in herself and others.

"Not that I need details, but… there's at least a spark, right? It wouldn't be fair to either of you, otherwise," he mumbled.

While his brother would do as the clan commanded, Sasuke admitted he'd like to see his brother cared for and loved, too. The stress of being the Uchiha prodigy was one thing, but being the clan heir was an entirely heavier, burdensome load on his brother's shoulders. He knew the clan elders had been calling for Itachi to marry for several years now, and to produce a child within a year of marrying to ensure the continuation of the family line. It would be an uncomfortable time within the family until Itachi's first child were born.

Was Sakura aware of that?

As he watched her, Sasuke saw Sakura's face gradually soften; her hands fidget before settling together in her lap; the corners of her lips curve up into a gentle smile; her brilliant eyes brighten.

"He… Your brother has made it known he appreciates me for more than my skills, position, or rank, Sasuke. And I…" She bit her lip, breathing deeply a moment. "I admit, it took a little while for me to see beyond his reputation, and rank, and position within the Uchiha, but I want to be with him, too. I want this to work, between us. I want to stay with him. Make him terrible food. Dote on him. Laugh with him. He has a great laugh," she admitted, blushing as she glanced up at Sasuke. "I thought I was going to die of heart failure when I first heard it, it surprised me so much. Now…" Her eyes went hazy, and Sasuke swallowed a chuckle. Sakura hadn't looked so dreamy since she was a genin. She swallowed an embarrassed laugh as she blushed harder. "Don't tell him that. He'll use it against me. He's figured out nearly all my weaknesses."

"Then he probably already knows his voice is one of them," he replied, teasing her.

"Goddamn Uchihas," she grumbled goodnaturedly.

"On the bright side, he will keep Shisui, and anyone else, in line once things are official. And I get the feeling he wants things to be official really soon," he remarked. "He gets… possessive."

"And territorial, yeah, I'd sort of picked up on that."

"You don't sound too upset about it."

A sharp glint flashed through Sakura's eyes as she bit her lip again. "It has its benefits."

His eyebrow rose. "So you've figured out some of his weaknesses, too."

Her smile turned feral and knowing. "Perhaps."

"Ah," he said, uncomfortably. Right. TMI.

"So when's the wedding?"

"Possibly the same day we finalize the last few things in the contract; Itachi wants everything done yesterday."

Treading carefully, Sasuke nodded. "The sticking point… is your career, I take it?"

Sakura nodded. "I have been pretty clear that I want to officially gain my ANBU rank and continue serving as a field agent; and really, they need me out there, Sasuke. I could be doing so much out in the field, rather than stuck in the village all the time."

He nodded, too. "Agreed. It is a relief to us, having you there both offensively and to patch us back up afterwards. It lets us evaluate our risks differently."

"I hope you don't mean my presence encourages you to engage in reckless behaviour on missions."

"Me? No. Naruto? One hundred percent."

Sakura groaned, and Sasuke chuckled.

"I knew it," she muttered, then stifled a yawn.

Sasuke glanced at the clock. "It's past midnight. You were working all day. Want me to get the guest room prepared?"

"No need," said Itachi, appearing in the doorway. Sasuke had a feeling his brother had been waiting for a good opportunity to break into the private tête-à-tête. "I take it you have finished your conversation?"

"For now," agreed Sakura, meeting Sasuke's eyes.

"Hn."

"You need your rest," said Itachi, coming over and, instead of offering Sakura a hand to stand, leaned down to pick her up bridal-style.

"I'm fine, Itachi. The guest room's next door, I can walk," she said, stifling a yawn behind her palm. She waved to Sasuke. "See you in the morning. Up for a spar?"

"Sure."

She nodded and smiled sleepily at him.

Itachi lifted her easily as they made their way to the hall, and Itachi closed the door to his room behind them. Even through the wood, Sasuke heard them softly bicker down the quiet corridor.

" _Itachi? The guest room's right there."_

" _You never sleep well there."_

" _Liar."_

" _You've been too busy recently. You need to take time for yourself, to take care of yourself."_

" _In your room?"_

" _You sleep better here."_

" _You're really saying you've missed me."_

" _You have spare clothes here," Itachi pointed out._

Their voices were more muffled, but Sasuke could just make out Sakura's light scoff, softened by her smile.

" _I'm tired Itachi," she added meaningfully._

" _I just want to hold you in my arms for a bit," he said lowly, and there was the sound of Itachi's futon creaking lightly._

" _Closet cuddler," teased Sakura._

" _I believe you called me a closet romantic, on your birthday," he said, chuckling under his breath._

They must have changed for bed, for there was silence for a time. Sasuke considered all Sakura and Itachi had told him and realized he was happy for them. A bit uncomfortable, still, but who wouldn't be uncomfortable knowing their sister-in-law-to-be used to feature rather prominently in certain fantasies? But still, they were remarkably well-balanced in skill and temperament in many ways. And both would be devoted to any family they'd create.

And if Sakura would eventually give him a few nieces or nephews to spoil, would that really be a bad thing?

Sasuke grinned to himself, imagining all the havoc he could wreak upon Naruto as the Hokage, in the future. Yes, there would be benefits to having little genius nieces and nephews, as long as he learned to harness their imaginations and loyalty early.

As Sasuke turned out his light, he heard a slight stirring from down the hallway, and steeled himself.  _Please be too tired, please be too tired,_ he silently begged.

But the blankets settled quickly, as the couple must have been simply shifting to be more comfortable.

" _Good night, Itachi," yawned Sakura, and Sasuke felt his heart release its tension at how comfortable Sakura sounded, saying the words._

" _Good night, love," returned Itachi in a rough voice, obviously half-asleep._

A tired smile on his face, Sasuke closed his eyes. Itachi and Sakura's happiness would be the most satisfying revenge upon Shisui that he could dream of.

* * *

END.


End file.
